I don’t know where this book* is headed. And do I even want to write this book because God forbid, my almost-teen will read it and vomit out of embarrassment, and be angry at me for ruining her life. She is not at that stage yet where she blames her mother for everything, but I expect we will get to that sometime soon. Haih.

I went through that phase of blaming my mother for everything. Sometimes I still do it. And I’m almost 40. I think, perhaps, this whole ordeal I’m going through is because I’m almost turning 40. Next year. So not only do I have my own complicated feelings regarding age and adulthood, but I’m also forced to deal with my eldest daughter’s impending teenagehood… it’s overwhelming. 

And not only am I turning 40, I am also a fangirl turning 40. A fangirl mom turning 40.

What the heck is a fangirl mom? Like wth is that?? 

Actually, among the younger, unmarried generation, that generation of teens, people like me are called “mom fans”. When I first heard it, I had to do a double take in my head. I stared at the girl who said it to me for a whole 15 seconds at least before replying. We were at a Winner concert, me and my two daughters, when the girl beside me, who was in Form 5 of secondary school, asked me if I had bought my concert tickets or did I get them for free? I said, I bought them. Oh wow, she said, are you… a mom fan?

I stared at her. I was shocked. I know what a mom fan is. A mom fan is a mom that becomes a fan after finding out about the group through her child or other similar situation. Like they be moms first and not a fangirl. But I is different yo. I was a fan before I became a mom. But then… noooo… Winner debuted in 2013 (techinally 2014), so that means I became a mom before I became their fan. But I was a fangirl all my life, like since I was 10…. so…

I stared at her and just said, Yeah, to keep it simple. Like I’m not going to explain to her my whole entire fangirl life history just to get out of being labeled a mom fan. Because I am a mom and I am a fan. Keut. Okay anyway, I said Yeah to keep the conversation going with this highschooler beside me. I found out from her that the concert organizer had given out a lot of free tickets to get the stadium filled up. She tells me that Winner isn’t as popular as ikon in Malaysia. Which is like heh for me, cos I like Winner better. But anyway, not the point. The point was, a lot of the families that were there that night were there because of free tickets. She pointed out to me all those people in the crowd… mom, dad and kids all together in the audience to see Winner. 

“I bet they didn’t buy VIP tickets for the entire family. Even the dad is here…”

I inhaled a long breath and took it all in. She was right! I was probably the only mom there that dragged her kids to see Winner and not vice versa! I mean even though my kids love Winner, they’d probably ask me to go see Twice instead, you know what I mean. The Song Mino fan here is me, not them. 

The thought of it swirled in my mind a lot that night. I was there to see Mino sing live. And while he was on stage, the girl beside me screamed for Mino too and called him her husband. Lol. It was cute. Oh to be young… I wished I was back in high school, too.

That night was not a turning point or anything. I’ve been feeling this weird “do I stay or do I go” thing since 3 years ago. Up to that point, I’d always spent a good part of my income on fangirl activities. But when my kids started going to primary school, I thought I should cut down and spend some of that money on family. Like start becoming a more responsible adult. And that was when all of this entire adulting thing became harder. It was always hard, but now it was just harder.

And even harder now that I’m going to turn 40. Like what have I got to show for myself at age 40? Some of my juniors are already Dato, and they not even 40 yet. Winner are millionaires already (probably) and they not even 40 yet! What have I got to show for myself?? That thought was so depressing. 

And that’s why I am here telling you all this. Like I feel the need to jot down a manual for other would-be fangirls-turn-moms. There’s sooo many things you gotta do well in life so that you can continue being a fangirl. So many things.

*I called it a book, but it’s not really. It ended up being a blog.