Turning 40

2020 came and went and I don’t even remember how I celebrated my birthday that year when I turned 40. I remember feeling this sort of anxiety before turning 40, but covid happened and then I think turning 40 just became unimportant in comparison to the horror that was taking place everywhere else. Now that I’m turing 42 this year, turning 40 is really not that big of a deal.

I remember when Eun Jiwon was so scared to turn 40. When he was turning 40 in korean age, he kept telling everyone he was still 39 in international age. But seriously, turning 40 is nothing. I still feel like an overgrown child. Part of me still feels like I’m not yet fully an adult. I think only when I’m living in my own house that I bought myself will I feel like a real adult. (Or so I tell myself, because I haven’t got the keys to my new house yet).

Turning 40 also made me tone down a lot of fangirling. But of course covid helped in that sense. I stopped buying albums because they stopped shipping goods from korea into malaysia in 2020 cos of covid, so i couldn’t really buy any anyway. Mino and Yoon had a collaboration with some clothing brand and there was a tshirt Mino designed based on his weather icon tattoos that I wanted, and I emailed the store and asked if they can ship overseas, but they said no. I didn’t buy any merch even though there were some stuff that I really wanted! And in not doing so, I saved a lot of money. I can safely say that prior to 2019, I spent probably more than 1k on albums, merch and their shipping fees.

Even though they resumed international shipping in 2021, I don’t have the urge to buy any merch anymore ever since covid happened. It’s like it took one year to remove that urge to collect fandom related stuff from my life. Now I collect plants. But collecting plants is comparatively much cheaper than buying merch, and I feel like collecting and growing plants is also more rewarding. So weird that I have moved onto this phase now! I never thought I would.

Do I feel more responsibility now that I’ve turned 40? Yes, sort of. I feel like I should focus more on family, but again covid made me feel that way. Covid really spelled the importance of spending time with your family before it’s too late. You never know when it might be your turn. And I think it was the same way with our artists too. I think they really appreciated fans more now that they couldn’t see us face-to-face. It’s not the same having concerts online or fansigns online. And we, in turn, appreciate that fandom experience even more now. Like I feel grateful that I was able to go to concerts before covid, and I feel grateful that I did spend so much time and money travelling to fansigns and shows, meeting other fans and doing events with them. Those were the highlights of my youth. YOLO. If you have the chance to do stuff that makes you happy, don’t stop yourself from doing it. Yes, you should be a responsible adult, but you can also fangirl responsibly. I remember a time in college when I hopped on a bus to go to a Jamiroquai concert in Singapore without even knowing where I’d sleep that night, but that was a thing of the past. I no longer do irresponsible stuff like that anymore, and the kids today are lucky to have apps to help them find budget accommodation. We didn’t have apps like that when I was in college. Back then we had to queue up to buy concert tickets, there wasn’t even an online website. (I’m talking about early 2000s) How times have changed.

There’s this meme that said the year 2000 to 2020 is what 1970 is to 1990. That puts things into perspective doesn’t it? And it’s crazy to think that kids born in 2000 are now the optimal age for debuting as an idol. 91 liners are now seniors. Jay Park is now retiring and Simon Dominic is considered an OG. So much has changed. I also don’t feel the need to multifandom. I just concentrate on a few and don’t even feel guilty not fully supporting former faves. The most I’ve done during 2020-2021 was buy digital albums on itunes, stream on Bugs, attended 3-4 (paid) online concerts, donated funds for birthday ad events and smtm10 graynoma team food support. And honestly I think Mino and Yoon and aomg-h1ghr ppl weren’t too concerned about charting either. Mino did say he didn’t expect to win on any music show but just wanted to put out music he liked and put on a show for us and that’s what he did.

And you know it felt good not to be checking the charts all the time to see how they were doing right after a release. It felt good not to be streaming on multiple platforms on multiple devices. It’s crazy to think that doing that was normal 5-6 years ago. Did the energy and drive to do that dissipate after turning 40? Possibly, but it could also be due to the fact that everyone else in the fandom, including the artist themselves, have aged right along with me so their priorities have also changed.

I’m just going to wait and see what happens when Winner finally has a comeback with all 4 members this year (Yoon said they would). Will they really be able to have a cb before Mino enlists? Somehow I doubt it but we shall see…