Rising inflation, aging gracefully and what to do about my fangirl life

Sitting at my desk in a newly-renovated floor space at the office post-covid (well not quite post-covid, more like post-lockdown), with a brand new 34-inch curved monitor, a table with adjustable height, everything ergonomic as we switched to a hybrid schedule of 60-40 WFH. After two years of on-and-off covid lockdowns, our whole perception of life and socialising has changed. The entire fandom culture has changed too with more offers of online concerts and fanmeetings. No more spending thousands of dollars on flights, accommodation and concert tickets. We can now watch the concert comfortably in UHD from our living room sofa, albeit with a 20 second delay. I’ve gotten used to this life and I don’t even order albums anymore unless I really need to, because shipping times have gotten longer due to covid restrictions, it became a hassle ordering stuff from overseas.

On top of that, exchange rates are at an all-time high. Inflation is on the rise due to this stupid Russian invasion of the Ukraine, which triggered an energy shortage worldwide. Inflation is so bad, I’m spending twice as much on food as I did the same time last year. Who has money to travel? Certainly I don’t. Even with a salary increase, bad inflation makes it feel like I have even less money to spend.

Covid has also created this new form of anxiety/depression that they’re calling “languishing”. It’s not quite anxiety or depression, it’s feeling somewhere between being joyless and aimless, a sense of stagnation that stemmed from being at home and cut off from human interaction for too long. This languishing has made me fangirl less to be honest. Covid has made me more antisocial with strangers than I was before, so the thought of having to mingle with other fans that I don’t know at a concert or event sort of turns me off. DPR has a concert in KL in Dec, and even though I managed to score a ticket, I already don’t feel like going.

Another reason for that is age. Not only am I suffering from this aimless languishing state, I have also grown older, considerably older. Now in my 40s, I even question whether I should be mingling with these young people at an event. And right now, most young fans have this abhorrence to old people for some reason. I’m not even old but I get thrown into the old-people bucket. Covid has also made me less stylish. I now prefer wearing “lounge-wear”. I don’t even know if I have something appropriate to wear to a concert. I stopped wearing jeans so t-shirt and jeans is not even an option. I have t-shirt and sweats. Which is absurd. T-shirt and skirt maybe.

The thing that I have done noticeably is I’ve cut down on the number of groups/artists I stan. I now focus on mainly just one. And even then, it feels like I have to use up so much energy. I know that this is an effect of covid-languishing and age. Like I really can’t be bothered to do anything anymore? So have I become just a casual fan? Not quite either. Not sure what I am anymore. Just age gracefully by retiring, I tell myself.

But overall, I do find myself feeling antisocial more and more. I rather devote time to close friends than to “acquaintance friends”, you know what I mean? It takes effort even to ask out my close friends, so how much harder would it be to ask out fandom friends? The level of intimacy has changed, in a way. Or… i have no idea. I actually spent more time online chatting to fandom friends than I did irl close friends during covid. At least on daily terms. But yet, why was I not able to make myself go out and meet fandom friends? strange mystery.

Languishing stopped me from cleaning the house. Whenever I stop doing a normal routine, I know that is a sign of depression. But is this really a depression? Maybe “pre-depression.” I have bags of old clothes to drop off for recycling, but they’re still on the floor at home. I just need to get that done and then I know a huge chunk of anxiety will disappear. When will I do it? I seem to procrastinate the most simplest of tasks. It’s so ridiculous.

Mino will be enlisting. Part of me feels anxious at losing the one person that has brought me joy during covid. I will be so bored right?